Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Puppies and other Tuesday morning stuff

My breakfast burrito was interrupted this morning by a report on Good Morning America about a marine who has been videotaped apparently throwing a puppy off a cliff in Iraq - just for kicks. The puppy reportedly yelped all the way down until it hit the ground.

***pause to regain composure***

A poor, defenseless, inoocent puppy, killed just to create transient entertainment for a nintendo-weaned U.S. soldier.

I cried. That's right. I cried. What the hell? Sure, it's sad, but crying!!!!!? Not me. Not that there is anything wrong with a good weep, it's just that it's not something I am given to doing over something on the tv. Usually I reserve my tears for personal tragedies and frustrations. It's not a control issue (really it's not) it's just that I normally don't feel the need to cry for anything else. It doesn't mean I'm heartless - I still feel things deeply - it just doesn't normally turn into an eye-waterfall.

It's this stupid surgery, it has to be. . I think it had a lot to do with a post I read on The Gerli Life - she who is recovering from the op I'm about to subject myself to. I had asked 'e' a question about her emotional/mental state after her injury, since she had addressed a lot of the physical symptoms and processes she has been going through, but little of what the impact has been on her and her life.

What she wrote was very interesting on a disassociated level - I have much admiration for her attitude to this challenge - but on a personal level, it was more like a confirmation of what I didn't want to hear. I'm really glad that 'e' has learned so much about herself throughout this process but I just don't want to go through this process of self-reflection. It's just too much. I mean, it's just a friggin' hip for chrissakes (one part of my body) and it doesn't even hurt that much. Why can't I just have the surgery, recover for a few days in hospital, and be done with it? Why does everything have to involve this painful and frustration process of personal epiphanies?

Ok, so it may not be the same for me - 'e' and I are not the same person with the same bodies or the same lives going in - but it's the fear of it being like this for me that's really weighing on my mind.

I'm at a great place in my life right now - with my marriage, my financial situation, my job, my house, who I am... everything. I feel like I just came out the other side of a seemingly endless and painful tunnel to get here and I don't want to go back in or have to take time out of my wonderful life, to dig myself out.

1 comment:

e said...

Well, it could be that for you it's just a thing, and a few days later you're pretty much on the way to recovery and that's that. My experience is just my experience, please don't feel like it's a requirement to have a similar experience, I would hate to be making this more difficult for you.

I don't think everything needs to be a series of epiphanies and self-discovery, not at all. That is something I choose for myself because that's what works for me. But really it's not required, nor preferable. It's just one way to do things. You're not doing it wrong if you have a different path to healing than I had.

In other words, what I share is not intended to force you to have the same kind of experiences. It's just sharing. If you see something for yourself, great. If not, then no worries.

The only thing I hope you take away from my experience is that you get to be the one to choose how you want your experience to go. Whatever you choose is right for you.

And I am sorry that what I wrote was not helpful, if that's the case, please disregard it completely! :o)

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