Warning: this post is related to my upcoming surgery. If you're sick-to-death of hearing about it, you are relieved of the obligation to read on.
So, I've been doing some talking to myself. Since I'm not one to listen to advice from others, this is good news - at least someone has the opportunity to knock some sense into me!
I've been talking myself through my fears and concerns about my surgery, weighing what I'm feeling with whether I have real reason to fear it, and trying to understand why it is I'm feeling it - if it's not based on something concrete, what's at the bottom of it, you know?
What I've deduced is that it's all about control. And before we go on here, I'll get this out of the way: Yes, I am a control freak. Now, let's move on.
First, I am going to (reluctantly) give up control of my body (both in the short term for the surgery and in the long-term outcome sense) to a weird surgeon who acts like Vincent D'Onofrio in Law & Order, who talks about spitting in my hip joint (something I forgot to blog... maybe will later), who has never done this surgery before, and seems to tell me all sorts of contradicting things to those told by the ever-so-experienced surgeons-to-the-stars at Cedars Sinai working on 'e' of The Gerli Life. I don't particularly trust him but don't really see that I have any other option at this point. At least the other surgeon who has done this before (lots) will be there - I only wish he was responsibly for my pre- and post-op care too.
(Incidentally, I should point out that I'd probably find something about whatever surgeon was operating on me to distrust. I don't feel this distrust to such an extent that I don't want to move forward, which tells me that it's probably more me than him.)
Secondly, I'm going to have to give up control of my life to my hip and it's timeline for healing. I'm not going to be able to do the same things I can now, or if I can I'll be slower and/or in pain. Showering may be an issue for a while (sniff, sniff - poooo!), spending time with my dogs again may take some time to integrate back into my life, I don't know when I'll drive again (it's my right hip so you sort of need that leg either way - automatic or stick-shift.) I'll have to listen to the recommendations of others about when/how I can progress in my recuperation and listen to my body about when/how fast it's willing to move to the next step. I won't have control over the timeline, the amount of pain, or the help I'll need along the way.
** Pause to breathe **
But, as I attempted walking up the stairs at my house using my cane this morning (surprisingly easier than I thought), here's what I realized: What I wiill regain is the control over the overall situation and outcome relating to my hip again.
The past three years have been filled with on-and-off pain and the past few months/weeks with uncertainty and waiting. Being a not particularly patient person, the latter part has been nothing short of torture - I've been/am still somewhat completely absorbed by it. While Gerli Life was absorbed by the pain and inconvenience of the injury itself, I've been absorbed by putting into place a plan of action to address it.
Waiting is a passive status in which you are (usually) relying on someone else or something else in order to move on. But once I get out of that operating room and get my pain under control, I realized that there will actually be things I can do/control to move me forward through this time in my life. Everything I do from that moment forward puts me one action, hour, day, week, month closer to being better. Whether it's resting or exercising, whether or not the actions will be on my ideal timeline, I am at least getting back control over the resolution.
Right now, I have no control. There was nothing I could do (more than I did) to move my surgery date forward, nothing I can do to get rid of the pain altogether, nothing I can do to eliminate the fear of the many "unknowns" related to surgery and recovery... all I've been able to do is wait.
As of Wednesday afternoon, the unknowns will steadily become knowns (like them or not), and the things I can do to get better will steadily increase. My days of waiting will be over, my days of acting will just be beginning. In a way, I will be back in control of my life.
I can't say with certainty that I'll have this same sense of positivity this time next week but I can tell you that this makes me feel an awful lot better about siging myself into the hospital on Wednesday morning.