This past weekend I decided to indulge my occasional need for a little celeb gossip by purchasing a copy of the latest People, featuring an **!Exclusive!** of Jennifer Lopez and her brand new twins babies on the cover. This lunchtime I read it and found myself both mildly amused and frustrated.
The cover teaser: "Twin Bliss" and "Intimate photos at home (and in the nursery!) with Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony and babies Marc and Emme"
OHHHH MYYYYY GODDDD! No way! Groundbreaking journalism! TWIN BABIES IN THE NURSERY NO LESS! However did they get the Lopez/Anthonys to agree?
Then of course there's the "Twin Bliss", which just makes me laaaaaaf. Most of the mothers I know are knackered from one baby, let alone two.
Which leads me to...
Now, I don't know (because I'm not a mother) but I have to imagine that mothers reserve a special kind of irritation for these kinds of magazine features.
Here you are as a mere-mortal new mother, eeking out the measly weeks you get of paid maternity leave, holding your eyes open with toothpicks, and barely having the energy to run a brush through your unwashed hair. Make-up is a luxury hidden somewhere under ten packs of diapers, your boobs are leaking like a broken sprinkler pipe, your belly could be mistaken for Jello pudding, and you exist almost entirely in drool-covered sweats because your pregnancy clothes no longer work and your regular clothes probably won't fit for another few months. Your perfume has been swapped for the smell of warm milk and baby puke, your 'got it together' persona has crumbled under a constantly cresting wave of hormones, and there's no amount of Febreze that can eliminate the smell of that doozie of a diaper you just changed.
(How am I doing?)
Finally, your baby nods off to sleep and you settle down on the couch for a rare moment of "me" time, with your trashy-mag, "People". And what do you see? Jennifer Lopez, glowing with airbrush perfection, staring back from the cover, not an eyelash out of place.
Worse still, you open the magazine to read more about this new mother's experience only to find more beautifully posed shots of the Lopez/Anthony clan, dressed in their Sunday designer best - Jennifer with her perfectly pedicured feet, the babies clad in cashmere, Marc dutifully feeding his son (and looking to all the world like he also had a recent pedi), looking at eachother so goo-eyed you'd think they just got through conception not birth, and laughing as if they didn't have a care in the world.
Further insult to injury comes from such clueless comments from Ms. Lopez as:
"I know I'd love them intensely and passionately enough to stay up for the first three days after giving birth, just because I wanted to keep staring at them."
She says this like it was a choice.
Morning Sickness? "None" and, according to Marc, "...no cravings," either. "I had one of the best pregnancies ever."
Ahem. Getting irked yet, moms?
Re: the birth: "No [complications]. It went very fast."
On, losing her famously hot bod - did she worry about losing it? "I gained a good amount of weight, which I was focused on because twins can soemtimes have low birth weight. I gained 45-50 lbs, a lot for my frame, but for twins it's right on."
Now I respect her for taking care of her babies but this has to be much easier to get onboard with when you know you can just run back to your celebrity personal trainer after 6 weeks.
But worse... she continues....
PEOPLE REPORTER: And after they're born, you lose a lot of that.
JLO: "So much. It's amagzing how your stomach just goes "Boop" and it's this jiggly mass. It's funny."
PEOPLE REPORTER: Do you care about getting your old shape back?
JLO: "Not right now. I even play with my little leftover belly, you know?"
I'm guessing most of you new moms DON'T.
Then, to seal the coffin, she continues to tell us how she plans to enter a triathalon in September or October.
The only telling comment in the whole article that reveals just why JLO seems to be living the new-mommy life through rose-colored glasses...
PEOPLE REPORTER: How is Marc on diaper duty?
JLO: He's the best. He puts the help that we have to shame.
Well, that just about sums it up, doesn't it?
I give all you new Moms permission to buy a copy, pin it to the wall, and lob dirty diapers at it.