Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Grrrrrrrrr. Arrrgggggggh. Ack. Pffffft. Sigh.

I feel like I have ants running through my veins lately and I have no idea why. Ok, that's not strictly true, I have a list of several things that could be causing said problem but I can't get to the real bottom of it right now, if there really is a bottom.

I'm impatient (with myself, everyone and everything), easily bored, easily distracted, easily tired, easily angered, easily frustrated... basically conjure up every negative emotion you can think of, throw it in a big mixing bowl, turn on the Cuisinart, and you've just stepped into my skin. Oh, and I forgot the ants... they're in there too. (Ok, I'm mixing metaphors and not doing a very good job at it. See, I told you - easily distracted! I can't even stick with a metaphor.)

I think that some of it comes down to this hip thing. (Yes, feel free to click-over to another blog about now. I know you've heard just about as much of my right hip as you can take.) If I'm honest, I'm pissed that I put off addressing the surgery for so long. If I had done the original surgery that was recommended to me back in June of '06, this would all be well and truly over by now. Instead I put it off because it 'got in the way' of my life plans.

Well, you know what I've figured out? It's going to get in the way of my life plans no matter when I do it. There really is no good time and all that stuff about weddings, and vacations, and job changes, and bosses on maternity leave... it was a load of crap. They were all lame, scared-me excuses and all I managed to do by conjuring them up was to put off the inevitable. And when I say "scared" I don't mean the surgery itself. That's like 'whatever' - they're going to put me out and there might be pain for a couple of days after but, again, whatever. What really scares the living daylights out of me is the thought of being physically limited for 3+ months.

My ability to do what I want, when I want, how I want, is the most prized element of my life. (Ergo I don't have kids yet.) The thought of turning that control over to someone or something else for an extended period of time just sends me into a 'tizwaz', as we like to say in England. (You know, America, you really lack some good tongue-in-cheek words for describing distress.) Struggling with simple things like getting up the stairs to take a shower, having to use canes or crutches, no traveling, no working out... and this lasting for 3-4 months. It sounds like the ultimate nightmare to me.

And all I can do is think that it would all be over already if I'd taken care of this 2 years ago.

So, now my goal is to try and whip through this process as fast I absolutely possibly can and what have I been doing for the last 3 months? Waiting for doctors and surgeons to get their act together. I was decided 3 months ago that I wanted to get this surgery taken care of but instead of just getting on with it and calling the surgeon who originally diagnosed my problem and getting me on the schedule, x-rays had to be repeated, each doctor had to put his 2 cents-worth in on the possible diagnoses and treatments, and then I had to spend 2 weeks pushing my surgeon to consider a less-invasive procedure.


Now, only it's 3 months later and instead of being 90% through my recovery I'm still waiting for a date for my surgery.

Ok, so I guess I do know why those little ants are crawling around under my skin. I'm pissed at myself and I'm impatient to move things along.

Get me on the goddamned schedule already and let's get this thing over with!!!

Yes, I feel a little better, thanks.

1 comment:

e said...

Pumpkin! First, feel free to write about your hip as much as you want. I certainly did! It's amazing how much "space" it takes up when you really get present to it, isn't it? I'm so with you. I mean, I really am. And I only had to wait 10 months, so multiply my frustration by 9, and that's where you are.

Re the not being able to do what you want for 3+ months - I'll post something about that, you really can cause a breakthrough for yourself. Of course, as I read on, you might have sorted through the frustration, so this may be moot.

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