I've been so tired lately, lethargic. Literally and mentally. The day-to-day humm-drumm of life just seems to have overwhelmed me with a sense of indifference to pretty much everything. All there seems to be is work and laundry and cleaning and bills and just... stuff. Stuff I don't care about. Stuff that seems to clutter my life and get in my way.
I'm so tired of the constant circle of laundry, the fact that my house is never clean or tidy no matter how much I seem to clean or tidy it, that no matter how much stuff I throw away and donate every cupboard, every surface, every nook and cranny seems to be full of more stuff I don't use and don't need. I'm tired of money - not having enough, not being motivated enough to find other ways of getting more. I'm tired of having to worry about it.
I have a constant headache. I watch too much TV but can't be bothered to do anything else. I come home from work and collapse on the sofa, falling asleep at 8:30 and then kick myself on weekends because now there's so much to do and I'd rather be off doing something exciting. But then I don't really finish the things on the weekends that I should because I'm bitter that I have to do them at all on my days off, yet at the same time I don't go anywhere or do any of the exciting things I wish I was doing anyway. (ARRRGGHH - I drive myself nuts).
I mope. I spend too much time on the computer (hello, this blog!) and then feel guilty about it - what did I achieve? I want to read more but find I read pages and pages without remembering a single word because my mind wanders to the things I'm not doing and should be. But still things aren't getting done. Perhaps I shouldn't care that there's a ring of dust and dog-hair around my bathroom floor and that my back patio smells like the dog's toilet (probably because that's its primary function). Perhaps I wouldn't care if I had a good excuse as to why.
I know life can't be exciting and exhilarating ALL the time but it should at least be interesting, shouldn't it? My life isn't very interesting. I have few friends and the ones I do have, have busy lives of their own - they're not the "come on over if you're bored" or "let's go shopping", impromptu types. Orchestrating a meeting is like planning a military operation. Spontaneity would be an imposition; people are very private, cautious, territorial here.
I miss Southern California. (god did I really say that?) It was easier to have fun and be alone down there. I would go out for drives on Sundays when I was alone and soak-up the sunshine, the sense of space, the newness of everything, the backdrop of parched hills or the Pacific Ocean... open the windows, put on some music, and just drive. For a few minutes to Borders, or for a few hours down PCH - I got a sense of renewal out of those drives, no matter where the destination.
Sacramento is ugly; sorry folks but beauty is in the eye of the beholder and this eye doesn't think much of Sactown. Yes, there are some nice, quaint areas, pockets here and there with neighborhoods that boast tree-lined streets and historic homes, fit for a "small town" movie set, but on the whole most areas (specifically the ones where any mere mortal can afford to live) look like they could use a good make-over. The roads are full of potholes, there are too many traffic lights that take too long to change, too much traffic on the side streets and not enough freeways (it takes forever to get anywhere). There are too many stripmalls and too many of them that need tearing down.
There's nowhere to walk around in the open air. Unless you go downtown, there's a lack of good, independent restaurants at reasonable prices. There's nowhere to sit and hang-out alone to just enjoy people watching. The ocean is too far away. I lived 30 miles from the ocean when I lived in SoCal, but I would drive to at least twice a month, just to see it, be by it. I never realized how much I'd miss it. There's history but no culture. It's just plain boring. I'm bored by it. But I guess, for better or for worse, its home. We can't all live somewhere breathtakingly beautiful and I know it could be a lot worse.
I'm thinking I should re-paint the walls of my condo, just for a change you know? But then, I think, I still really like my Ralph Lauren Chamois yellow, so why am I trying to change it? I think what I really need is to change the walls altogether. Get out of this place.
Early this morning, while it was still dark, some kids in a stolen car (I think) flew around the corner, onto my street from the main road, hitting an electrical pole and then finally skidding to a halt opposite my condo. Our electricity popped on and off at 5am. The squashed car is still sitting there, looking trashy. I'm waiting for someone to set fire to it, that would really put a cap on the incident. Last year, SWOT descended on my neighborhood, guns drawn, to try and capture a guy in the nearby apartments that had intentionally run someone over with his car. At night, there are cars that cruise up-and-down the side street, conspicuously slowly. Every now and then some kids will smash or steal the lights at the entrance to our complex's driveway. Our neighbors are either over 60, lived here for 30 years, now belligerant and fearful, or young renters who don't give a shit. Things like this make me not want to live here any more. I've been here for four years and I feel stagnant. I need to move, to change, to achieve, to be challenged... I feel like I haven't done any of these things in so long that my mind and body has gone into hibernation.
I need more and less space all at once. A yard. Flower-beds to weed. A park to walk to. A high ceiling. Yet, neighbors who I can call on, uninvited or who we can share a bottle of wine and a Saturday night barbecue. I want to be 10 minutes away from movies and restaurants and beautiful scenery. I guess I'm not that much different to everyone else. There's probably not a person out there who doesn't want all these things; hence those places with all the required elements cost so freakin' much to live in. I'm sure mine is not a new desire.
So, what to do? That's always what it comes down to. You can whine and moan and complain about your lot in life but at the end of the day the only one who can change it is you. And everything is a trade-off. Usually, the only reason why people don't do something they say they want to do is because they're more afraid of letting go of something else in return. It sounds like I need a list. And this I shall save for another time...