Sunday, March 06, 2011

What I really want, I may never give myself

What I really want is a day to myself.

A day to meander through. To get up in my own time; read books in coffee shops; to go shopping and re-kit my wardrobe; to eat lunch with a girlfriend at an outdoor cafe; to watch chick flicks with a glass of wine, uninterrupted.

Before I had Daisy, I was the type of person who would have told someone like me to just do it; to hand the kid off to the grandparents and take the time for myself. Because, after all, one shouldn't lose oneself to one's role as a mother and it was healthy to have "me" time to balance out all the time spent performing all the roles -employee, mother, wife, daughter - for others.

Of course, I would have been right. I am right. But it aint that easy.

Sure, literally speaking I am lucky enough to be able to drop my daughter at my parent's house for the day. Theoretically and practically speaking, there is no reason why I could not put this plan into action today.

This would be, if there wasn't the guilt.

The guilt that I already spend 40+ hours away from my daughter working. The guilt that my parents spend that time (and more) with her instead of me and, although they are fantastic with her, I am her parent, not them.

The guilt that my house needs cleaning; my closets need organizing; that I haven't filed a piece of paper in three years; that I have lots of perfectly good clothes in my wardrobe I could wear if only I could find the time to workout like I used to or the willpower to eat as good as I once did; and, of course, if I have time away from my daughter, I should probably be working out.

The guilt of spending money on frivolous things when we desperately need a new shower, better drainage in our yards, and new interior doors, to name just a few things around our house. Then there's the dogs who really need grooming, poor things, or at least a bath, which we never have time or money for these days.

The guilt that, if I'm going to off my daughter to her grandparents yet again, I should probably do it to spend some quality time with my husband because, you know, our marriage is important too.

In a flash of a second, my brain, when contemplating that selfish day, runs through all of this guilt, piled up over the last two years, and dumps it right on top of my giddy feelings of excitement, like a bucket of cold water.

One day, I may take that time, but right now I'm still trying to figure out how to take a shower without feeling like I have to rush in and out.


e said...

First off, I love that you have an "I'm a lunatic" category. I have one, too, it's "I'm crazy." It's like we're soul sisters.

You know, one possibility is to take a day for yourself on a workday. Take a sick day, and make it a mental health day. If you can stand the guilt. I don't need to tell you that you being happy and having your tanks full makes Joss's life and Daisy's life much fuller and more satisfying. Or you can take a mental health day and do half day with Daisy, the afternoon for yourself, and date night with Joss. Just some thoughts, in case you get to the point where you really really need this.

But I understand about the guilt. I don't have kids, but for me if there's stuff piling up that needs doing, there's a point at which it's just stressful to have it out there, hanging. And it piles up really fast, too.

MACMD said...

We ARE soul sisters. Different enough to be individuals and similar enough to be karmically connected.

I will do it. I will. It's just, it's hard. That's all I'm saying. And even when I do it, I won't be able to get rid of all those feelings completely. Unencumbered days of self-gratification, like I used to have, seem gone forever.

That's ok, I got a lot of other good stuff in return. But I do mourn those little things.

Related Posts with Thumbnails